just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
