i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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