Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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