4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
