She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
