Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
