She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
