I showed him my bush... on skype.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
