no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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