What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
