his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
