yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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