I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
