i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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