i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's rum buckets o'clock
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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