The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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