I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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