Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
