I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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