dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i used baking grease as lip gloss
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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