the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
