Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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