i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
