My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
