I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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