mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found puke in my bra..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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