so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize