Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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