I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
