Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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