i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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