Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
