Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
