now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
