I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
and she was petting her beer can
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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