did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
