Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
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I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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