Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
