Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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