This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
