we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
