i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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