the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
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It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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