one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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