I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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