And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
