I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
