Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
