Christians are straight up FREAKS
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
