My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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