I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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