Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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