My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
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But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.