I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
