thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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