By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
