I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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