sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
