her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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